If you have to explain a joke, it isn’t funny.
Well, I apparently have to explain multiple things here, so this doesn’t have a prayer of being humorous. But perhaps it will be somewhat informative. (“Informative” being a relative term).
When Tiger Woods was in Akron last weekend for the Bridgestone Invitational, your favorite columnist wrote that Tiger’s new configuration of facial hair made him look like a “Cablinasian Amishman.”
(Explanation No. 1, for those of you who aren’t savvy in all things Tiger: “Cablinasian” is a term Woods coined for himself to take into account his mixed heritage: Caucasian, black, American Indian and Asian.)
My column was picked up by newspapers and websites across the globe, from the Anchorage Daily News to the Fresno (Calif.) Bee to the Montreal Gazette to the Zimbabwe News. (Seriously. The Zimbabwe News.)
Well, when he showed up for this weekend’s PGA Championship in Atlanta, Woods was sporting a new look: He was growing in the hair above his lip and down the sides of his mouth, creating a fledgling circle beard.
Coincidence? You be the judge.
(Explanation No. 2: A “circle beard,” also called a “door-knocker,” is a mustache and goatee that are connected. It’s close to a “Van Dyke,” but on a Van Dyke the sides don’t go all the way down. With so many guys wearing that look, you’d think we’d have a household name for it, but apparently we don’t. The first three people I asked to describe a “circle beard” didn’t have a clue.)
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go get a hair of the dog that bit me.
Name changer
Go to MapQuest, plug in “Buchtel High School, Akron, Ohio,” and you’ll get the correct address (1040 Copley Road). But the online map service magically transforms the name of the school to “Bucktel.”
Well, yes, it’s in the Buck-eye State. But that’s a bit of a stretch.
Just a little late
Legendary Beacon Journal columnist Fran Murphey met more people in a single year than most folks meet in a lifetime. She’d go to virtually any event, anywhere, at any time.
But seeing as how she died nearly 13 years ago, I’m afraid she won’t be able to RSVP to an invitation she received at the Beacon this month for an event at a glass museum in Cambridge.
Yogi Berra lives
Part of a voice mail from a reader: “The stone doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
Guess it depends where you throw it from.
Money saver
Rookie state Sen. Frank LaRose has mailed out his first newsletter to constituents. Like every other newsletter from an elected official, it goes to great lengths to promote the sender. In fact, the only two photos are of Frank LaRose.
However, the whole newsletter is only four pages long, it’s in black-and-white and is not printed on high-gloss paper.
Note to area legislators, some of whom produce mailings that look — and cost — like coffee-table books: Get the hint.
Sticker sense?
Most folks are familiar with the outrageous traffic stop in Canton this summer in which a cop verbally assaulted a driver for failing to tell him he was carrying a gun — even though the cop cut him off every time he opened his mouth. The dash-cam video went viral.
When Officer Daniel Harless discovered the gun, he not only unleashed a series of F-bombs and other obscenities, but he also threatened to execute the man — all because the cop didn’t do his homework or let the man talk.
Harless is currently on leave. If there’s any justice, he’ll be fired.
A Beacon Journal reader with a connection to law enforcement was among the millions appalled by the cop’s actions, but he offered a suggestion that could reduce the possibility of future incidents.
The caller said perhaps we could sell a small sticker for the back window of cars identifying the driver as the holder of a concealed-carry permit. He suggested selling them for $3 to $4 and donating the proceeds to a charity.
Such a sticker would likely have the added benefit of discouraging a road-rager from engaging you.
What do you think?
Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or bdyer@thebeaconjournal.com.